Why God, Why?

Posted by in J and K, My Unknown Life

In our lives we often find ourselves at a crossroads.  In the past few years I have found myself at one such moment in my life.  As many of you may be aware, Kari and I have had great difficulty conceiving a child.  At first we assumed that this was probably merely a problem with timing.  As two logically minded people we began tracking our chances of getting pregnant.  After two years we grew very worried and so we began, as many couples do, to pursue medical reasons.  I was first to have myself checked out and was glad to hear that I was completely normal and exhibited no problems.  So Kari was next.  We began seeing a reproductive endocrinologist.  He ran several tests on Kari only to find nothing wrong.  Thus we began down the path of utilizing medicine to help.  This seemed to help and within one year we found ourselves pregnant.  This unfortunately was not be as we experienced our first miscarriage.

I can tell you that when Kari first told me she was pregnant I was overjoyed, I mean who wouldn’t be.  I attended each of the sonograms with her and kept every picture they gave us.  The happiest day for me though was on the seventh week when I got to hear my child’s heart beat.  It was in that moment that I knew this child was real.  It was like feeling the soul come to life.  That weekend Kari started to not feel well and grew increasingly worried.  I myself tried to remain calm since we had already had a a few worries during the previous weeks.  That next Monday we went to the doctor’s office.  There was no longer a heart beat and my child was gone.  I could no longer breathe.  This had to be a joke.  The machine must have malfunctioned.  This was impossible.  The doctor took us into his office and we talked about what was next and tried to encourage us as best as he could to not worry us.  “This happens more than you realize,” he said.  He even relayed his story of his wife’s own difficulties.  This I can say brought no comfort.  I escorted my wife back to her car and I returned to mine and we headed home.

On the way home I tried to get a hold of my parents but neither answered.  All I could think is I need my father, after all Dad’s can fix anything.  As I approached home I drove by the church building.  I decided if I couldn’t talk with my earthly father then I should turn to my heavenly one.

I entered the empty building and walked to the front of the auditorium.  I often will come here when I am seeking answers to my troubles.  Plus I never feel as close to God than when I am at the building alone and quiet.  I am not ashamed to say I fell to my knees and cried.  I immediately began shouting and screaming.  “Why God, why?  How can this be happening?”  My eyes were flooded as I buried my face into the carpet.  I begged God to let there be some sort of mistake.  I asked that he forgive me for whatever I might have done that my joy be stolen like this.  “Please God don’t let this be so.”  Only quiet.  I could feel my anger inside me.  “Answer me!”  I shouted.  But still no answer came.  My heart ached for any sort of reprieve.

I returned home to comfort Kari, she needed me now more than ever.  I had to be strong for her.  Walking in the door you could feel the lack of life on the house.  How could we go on?  How would we make it another day?

I finally reached my dad a little later and he came by for little while and did what he could to provide some comfort.  I talked with mom on the phone and she said what she felt she could.  Still there was no comfort to be had.

That evening Kari went to bed and I stayed up for a little while.  I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before.  But instead of praying for God to undo this tragedy I prayed that he give me guidance.   I was lost and needed him to shepherd me.

A few days later I found myself going through the song book and I came across one of my favorite hymns, “Farther Along.”  I began to read the lyrics and they touched my heart.

Farther along we’ll know all about it.  Farther along we’ll understand why.  Cheer up my brother and live in the sunshine.  We’ll understand it all by and by.

For some those words may seem hollow and with out much comfort, but for me they mean the light can shine again.  God will be there in your darkest hours to guide you out if you let him.

I am happy to say that I have found my way past that tragedy.  I often still think back to it especially in May when we lost the baby and in November when the child should have been born.  I told my father the other day.  “I’m supposed to be holding my child in my arms right now.”  But I know that God is holding them for me till I get home.

I am happy to say this story is not over as in December Kari and I began the process towards adoption.  We are finishing up our paperwork and hopefully one day soon we will get the chance to hold a child, all our own.

May God bless you all and those for whom you care.